Getting Stuck In Loops Of Suppression

I thought that if I suppressed my emotions I could control other people’s behavior. I could prevent them from hurting me. Keep myself safe. If I fulfilled their desires I would receive the love I was looking for. This suppression kept me disconnected from myself and others. Loveless. This disconnection left me feeling unsafe. So again, I went back into suppression, looking for control and safety. An endless loop of suppression and disconnection.

I lost my agency. I lost contact with my body. I learned to ignore my body’s voice. It just disappeared.  It was never really him who had control over me. It was my own trauma loop that I was stuck in that he took advantage of. This discovery has allowed me to take back my agency and my voice. Taking full responsibility for my limits, boundaries, desires, needs, and pleasure. And when I fully take responsibility, I feel safe and I get what I want and need. Not always the direct request from the person I’m asking, but it fulfills this desire and lifetime longing I have had to be in an intimate loving connection with myself and others. By being honest, expressing rather than repressing, and allowing myself to be seen.